Spender vs Saver
It’s a familiar story in many homes. One spouse is always looking for ways to reduce expenses and save. The other feels like there’s no point in living if you can’t enjoy life a little.
For some couples, these differences are small and easy to manage. For others, they cause regular tension.
Being different isn’t a problem in itself. The key is learning how to work together.
It’s not about the money
Most money arguments are not actually about money. They are about what money represents.
One person might see spending as a sign of love, generosity, or basic survival (“The kids needed matching Shabbos pyjamas!”). The other sees it as chaos, risk, and a fast track to overdraft fees.
Neither of you is wrong. These reactions often stem from real-life experiences, such as growing up with very little or with a parent who shopped as if it were a competitive sport.
That’s why, instead of launching into “You’re being irresponsible” or “You’re being controlling,” it helps to take a breath and ask, “Can you help me understand why this matters to you?” Bonus points if you say it without rolling your eyes.
You don’t have to agree on everything. You just need to show each other that you’re listening and that you care. Because if your partner feels like their opinion gets dismissed faster than a budget for Pesach, things will stay tense.
Planning for two
You can have completely different money styles and still build a strong financial life together as long as you are both working towards the same goals.
Begin by having a calm and honest conversation. Ideally, not when someone is hangry or during the kid’s bedtime. Ask each other what do we want from our money? What helps us feel calm and in control?
Most couples want similar things, such as less stress, greater stability, and the ability to enjoy life. The saver wants to feel safe. The spender wants to feel free. Both are valid.
A balanced plan includes both structure and flexibility. You might agree on a set amount each of you can spend freely each month, while also using a simple system to track your spending. Whether it’s an app or a notebook, choose something that works for you.
When each person’s needs are acknowledged and built into the plan, it becomes easier to stick to it and feel good about the choices you are making together.
Monthly money dates (yes, really)
We get it. You’re lucky if you can drink your tea while it’s still hot. However, a 20-minute monthly check-in can keep you both informed and on the same page.
Make it casual. Sit down together and talk about what worked well this month, what was a bit tight, and what you might want to do differently next time.
This is an opportunity to connect in your relationship rather than keeping score. When you check in regularly, you catch issues early, celebrate small wins, and avoid the build-up of stress that turns one receipt into a row.
A healthy bottom line
You are not financial opposites by accident. You are a team with different strengths. One of you makes sure there’s food in the freezer. The other makes sure you don’t own seventeen types of cereal.
You don’t need to change each other. You do need to listen. That means asking how the other person feels and showing that you get it, even if you wouldn’t have responded the same way. Saying something like, “I see why that made you uncomfortable,” can go a long way in showing empathy.
Understanding each other’s money mindset makes it easier to build a plan that both of you believe in and gives the sense that you’re moving in the same direction as a team.